i feel robbed. i want it more. i'd work harder for it. i'd do more with it. i'm better suited for it. i'm smarter, god damn it. if it comes to that, NEXT YEAR will be my year and i'll do it. i deserve it. i was made for this.
"Oh god. I don't know the proper words. I'm disappearing. Mean reds. The blues. Black mood. Can't focus. Can hardly think. So much to do, so very little time, so many people around me that have problems that I can't do anything to fix. I want to be sick. I want to sit in a dark room with my eyes closed. Want to chainsmoke, want to run until I can't run, want to throw away everything I'm working at. How to feel better? Books? Music? They can't reach it. Friends? I can't verbalise it. What's wrong? Nothing. I'm fine. I'm frozen. I can't move. It'll all work out. It won't. I'll fail. This time next year. Still here, exactly where I always was. Stagnating. I may never escape. I'm so afraid. Gut-wrenchingly terrified. Why? I'm good enough. But I might fail anyway, and then I won't be good enough. But that's not all of it, but I don't know what is. Who to tell? No-one wants to hear you talk like this. Deal with it alone, always worked before. Why post it on the fucking internet? I want people to know. I don't want people to know, I've never wanted people to know. I want help without having to feel vulnerable. I can't function properly. I can't post this stupidity. I'll delete it within the hour, this isn't how people want to know me. Not that many people do anyway. Shut up. Shut up shutupshutup STOP IT. Oh, GOD.
I can only be grateful that it's been such a very long time since I've felt like this."
When I wrote that I really felt like I was going absolutely batshit crazy. And occasionally I still feel that way. I'm dealing with a lot at the minute, not just school and medical school applications, and it's monstrously hard work. No-one wants to sit and listen to me whinge about it, and I can understand that, we've all got a lot going on. But it just makes me feel helpless when people add to it for what really does seem to be no good reason. And UGH, whinge whinge whinge, that's all I do on blogs but no-one really reads it anyway. Oh, everything is changing. I'm changing. I'm excited for that. I'd be as excited for university as everyone else is (perhaps even more so, I'm not even nervous about moving away from home) if I had an offer. I'm having to work so much harder than everyone else and it doesn't feel like they care or notice, except for the fact I've occasionally got less time for them, which makes them annoyed. Which upsets me, because I'm NOT DOING IT ON PURPOSE. I've got to work work work work work all the time just to get to the same stage as they already have. Same goes for the way I can't work up HUGE CRYING SYMPATHY for people who already have an offer but are now worried they haven't got a second, or receive a rejection. I feel something, a kind of distressed empathy, and I do my best to be kind but really, I just want to scream. Can't they be grateful? They have SOMEWHERE to go next year. It's not like the offer is beyond the scope of their abilities. It might not be their first choice. THEY HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO. I don't, and I really don't think it's hit some of the people that should be supporting me the most. Oh, this sounds like an enormous hateful rant to some of my closest friends, but it isn't. I still love them dearly, I'm still ecstatic for their successes and devasted by their failures but I feel so terrible sometimes; I could never articulate those feelings to them while speaking to them without causing upset, and that's the very last thing I want.
Today was one of those rare days where my father and I got along really well. It was actually amazing. York open day was where we were at, and that was okay. Then on the way home, we stopped in the Humber Bridge carpark and he let me drive his terrifyingly expensive car around for a bit, and we laughed a lot because there was a woman aged about 40 there learning to drive and flailing, and then tiny little me got in her way in my dad's beast of a car with no L plates on it. Then on the motorway we're driving along (obviously him, I can't drive on a motorway) and he just goes "shall we drive at 100mph?" Like I needed to answer that. It's a good job it wasn't busy :) Then back at home he donates me his glasses so I can get my prescription put in the frames because they suit me so well. Days like this are the ones I look back on when we're busy hating each other (which is a whole lot of the time), and they make me happy.
On a completely unrelated note, I am SO EXCITED for The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus! It looks so crazily surreal. I'm going to book tickets so I can see it the DAY it comes out.
- Music:The New Pornographers and Bob Dylan, though not both at the same time.
So tomorrow is the start of my very last year of school. This time next year I'll be packing up for uni (provided I get in). Eeeeep. So I've got to enjoy this year, LOTS, and make the most of it. And I will.
Jane Eyre and The Color Purple are both read now. Thankfully. There's a marked lack of notes, as yet, but I couldn't make notes as I was going along because that just really spoils a book for me and I was managing to enjoy parts of Jane Eyre. I'll do it soon soon soon though. Apart from that, I'm pretty much ready to go back to school. This is a boring entry, isn't it?
Well I've done five and a half days of being on a diet, which for me is an enormous achievement. I've stopped feeling like I'm going to die of hunger between each meal, which is nice. And I've lost a couple of pounds already (probably because my system was so used to constant feeding), which is even nicer.
Back in the thick of things tomorrow then, we'll probably be expected to be back in routine and working hard by the end of day one, and then this weekend is my sister's party (shhh it's a surprise!) in Newcastle, and next weekend is Oxford open day, so it'll be a couple of weeks before I get to catch my breath. At least it'll be a change from this end-of-the-holiday-can't-be-arsed-to-do-anything-constructive feeling.
I'm going to shut up now :)
mcr or fob: fob, if i must.
duck or chicken: duck!
ipod or cd: ipod
pink or blue: pink
red or black: red
gerard or frank: frank
married or single: single
computer or tv: computer
chocolate or vanilla: chocolate
snickers or twix: twix...stop it i'm on a diet (N)
fingers or toes: toes ;P
myspace or facebook: facebook
schoolwork or homework: schoolwork
sandals or sneakers: sandals
lethal virus or nuclear explosion: virus? I'd rather neither happened really...
hamster or gerbil: hamster
walk or run: run
family guy or american dad: family guy
vampire or werewolf: vampire, obviously
harry potter or narnia: i'd say narnia because they're the better books, but i just love harry potter too much. sorry.
star wars or lord of the rings: lord of the rings
christmas or halloween: christmas
mash or fries: fries
coke or pepsi: pepsi
comedy or drama: comedy
emo or goth: ehhh does it matter?
prep or jock: prep
noise or silence: noise!
batman or superman: batman
jacob or edward: edward.
yoga or pilates: pilates
light or dark: light
the hulk or the thing: the thing
drunk or stoned: drunk
shaken or stirred: stirred, that's how you make a proper martini :)
roxy or quicksilver: roxy
necklace or bracelet: necklace
left or right: left
bones or house: house
inline skates or ice skates: inline all the way.
summer or winter: summer, although winter is nice for winter coats
fantasy or reality: fantasy
aquarium or zoo: aquarium...in a zoo
ross, joey or chandler: joey
taco or burrito: i honestly don't know the difference. does this make me a bad person?
teacher or tutor: gerard the physics tutor ftw
math or science: science 8B
china or japan: japan
public school or private school: by rights i should be at private school, but my dad has decided that favouritism is a good parenting method. having said that i love it where i am :)
king or queen: queen
popstar or rockstar: rockstar
mcdonalds or burger king: maccys
mother or father: mother
cat or dog: cat!
all or nothing: all
scuba diving or bungee jumping: scuba
mtv or vh1: mtv
pancake or waffle: pancake
inbetweeners or big bang theory: i don't watch either. soz.
landline or mobile: mobile
through the looking-glass or down the well: through the looking glass
Today I embark on a diet. Yes, a diet. This is against my nature, but I stupidly promised mother mine that I'd join in with her next one.
Prepare yourself for the whinings of a starving teenager.
Boring days are the scourge of the end of the holidays. Fortunately mine was quite productive.
Half of Jane Eyre = read.
Savings account = opened.
Shortlist of universities = made.
But honestly, the best part of my day was the epic two-hour nap I took instead of going out for lunch. Wooooohoooo. ¬¬
I'm almost, almost looking forward to going back to school.
Sooooooo I watched I'm Not There. It was...bizarre. It would probably have helped if I'd known anything about Bob Dylan before I'd watched it. Having said that, it was interesting and sort of arty to look at, and I enjoyed myself watching it :)
This last week of the holidays is where I have to become a recluse and work for hours on all the things I left until far too late! Reading books, buying shoes and bags that aren't falling apart, finally buying stuff for my Biology project...written down it doesn't seem too much but it always seems to take me at least a week.
In other news, Samuel Barnett as Millais in Desperate Romantics makes me ever so happy :D
I have been disapproved of for two - probably more, but these are the specific two I know of ;) - things recently. Although I don't believe the person who disapproves reads this, I'm going to write about it anyway.
The first is being too driven by grades at school. If I'm honest, I don't even feel the need to defend myself on this point. Some people are born with a talent for sports, and they train. Some people have musical talent, and they practise every day. I was born with a decent brain in my head, so I work very hard to do my best in my exams. I don't pressure other people to do so, I don't consider people who don't get straight As beneath me (because I know full well that they have abilities that I will never possess and they outshine others in their own particular field). I'm not even obsessive about it, which is what gets me about this. If I spent my lunchtimes in the library, shushing at people with my nose in a textbook, I'd understand why I'm being snubbed (though I know it's not just me who gets this treatment). But I don't. I balance my work with other occupations, and also a healthy dose of doing absolutely nothing :)
The second is drinking. Now, I'm not a big drinker at all. I like a glass of wine, because I like the taste of it. If I have more than one, I get a bit giggly. At a party, I'll have two or three drinks and get a little tipsy perhaps, but I'm not stupid with it. I don't pressure people who don't drink to do so. I don't think you're boring if you don't drink - some of the most fascinating and funny people I know are teetotallers - but I do think you're boring if you look down your nose at people who've invited you to an event and are perhaps loosening up with a drink like it's the worst thing in the world. My friends are sensible people. They don't drink until they puke, or pass out. They don't even drink enough to have a headache the next morning, most of them. They could be a million times worse. They could be better, of course. But so could you.
In other news, Penny's party was an absolute blast and it was great to see everyone again. I'm exhausted now!
In other other news, I bought I'm Not There, the film about Bob Dylan, today. I love Bob Dylan so hopefully it'll be a good watch.
Exam results were a win of epic proportions. Five As! My physics teacher predicted me a D. It just goes to show what truly insane amounts of revision will do for you. You can achieve anything as long as you're willing to work yourself into the ground to get it.
In celebration, the first thing into my stomach today was champagne, then smoked salmon (I love my mum's idea of celebratory breakfast - I was expecting a fry-up). Amusingly, I've felt tipsy from it all day. And Penny's party is tomorrow! Very Sebastian Flyte.